Baby Blues & PPA Caught Me by Surprise

October 5, 2018Tiffany King

The goal of the Mental Health Mom Series is for Moms and Moms-to-be to share their stories to be used to help inspire, uplift and spread awareness about mental health and motherhood.

Whether you suffer from depression, PPD, PTSD, anxiety, ADHD, bipolar disorder or something else your story may help change the life of another mom reader and that’s important to me!

A submission by Tiffany of Tiffany P King


The day we left the hospital with our baby boy, I was filled with anxiety. You mean I have to take this baby home and take care of him without a nurse?! Are you sure I can do this?  In all transparency, I worried about developing postpartum depression while I was pregnant with Elijah, but put it in the back of my mind because we were finally getting our rainbow baby!

The next few days, weeks, and months, I felt like I was in a fog.  I was so in love with my baby boy, but I was miserable. My body and hormones were adjusting to just having delivered a baby, I wasn’t getting sleep, I had issues with breastfeeding, I was anxious about germs, accidents, and SIDS, we were going to many doctor appointments for my son’s tongue tie and lip tie, and we were trying to navigate being on one income.

In my mind, I was failing and failing miserably. I experienced crying, irritability, exhaustion, anxiousness, and resentment towards my husband because his body was working just fine, AND he got to leave the house!  I spent multiple times of the day crying. The first day my husband went back to work, I cried and watched the clock.

I was so anxious! It became normal for my husband to call me after work to let me know he was on his way home, and if he had to stop somewhere or get home a little later, I’d be a wreck! I would just walk around my home in my pajamas, looking disheveled.

'In the back of my mind, I kept thinking this is so not me!Click To Tweet

I am usually able to rise up to just about any occasion and handle it well!

I have to admit that I self-diagnosed myself by Googling my symptoms around day four or five postpartum. I knew beforehand that my hormones would be all over the place and that I’d be a bit weepy, but I just felt that I needed to check and see if what I was feeling was normal or not. That’s when I realized that I was suffering from baby blues and most likely postpartum anxiety.

All of these feelings took me by surprise. I mean, I prayed and prayed and prayed for my sweet little son. And knowing that made me feel so guilty! I was afraid to admit I was suffering because here I was struggling and feeling down about a baby I begged God for.

I felt like I was being ungrateful. I love my son with all of my heart and with a love I just can’t explain, but I just wasn’t happy. Especially because my expectations of bliss, happiness, and perfection didn’t meet my reality.

But thank God I eventually got better. I remember the day Eli turned three months old, a sister from church asked how I was doing in terms of motherhood, and I replied with “Better! I can see the light at the end of the tunnel.” And I truly meant that. While everything wasn’t perfect after that, and I still struggled some days, I felt like I was able to function and really do this motherhood thing.  

Today, I am doing much better, and feel like I am almost back to my old self (I know that I will never truly get back to pre-baby self, and I am okay with that). By the grace of God, I made it through. And you will too! Know that there is a light at the end of the tunnel!


About the Author 

Tiffany is a wife of three years to her high school sweetheart, Tobias, and a mama to their baby boy, Elijah. In her spare time, she loves to blog here and complete as many things she’s pinned to Pinterest as she can! You can also connect with her on Instagram.


For mental health resources and where to look for help visit our Mental Health Resource Page.

Related: PTSD Is More Than I Thought
If you would like to submit your story please read this post or send me an email at autumn@shesawreck.com
All Mental Health Mom Stories can be found on this page.

 

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